I liked - lol out loud

and this from Mr. Monk and the psychic

Monk: I'm no good at parties.
Sharona: This isn't a party. It's a memorial service.

and from Mr. Monk and the airplane

Monk: He spilled his wine. It's staining. I can feel it.


http://www.monkisms.com/

This one is one of my favorites and it is from Mr. Monk and the Leper:

"There is no heart as black as the black, black heart of the phony leper." =D

I laugh every time I hear that!

Mr. Monk and the Red Herring

Nurse: What would my hours be?
Monk: Nine A.M.
Nurse: Until when?
Monk: One.
Nurse: One P.M.?
Monk: Until one of us dies.

"You're going down Mr. Pee!"

from Mr. Monk takes Manhattan.

There are so many...
I'll say these one now:

Did you hear that? Did you hear? He said a tumor...I knew it. I can feel. It's like a basketball. For the love of God, can I get a room? (Mr. Monk goes to the Hospital- don't know if it's exactly like this but it's pretty much of it)

Un-google-able. End of discussion (Mr. Monk Paints His MasterPiece) I love this one!

Oh, way too many, but here are a few:

In "Mr. Monk and the Astronaut," I really like the scene where Monk is sitting in Kroger's office, telling him he's so tired of being afraid, and so Dr. Kroger tells him they're going to work on one of his phobias.

Dr. Kroger: "Adrian, which phobia would you like to work on first?"
Monk: "Glaciers."

I also must say, there were several great one liners in "Mr. Monk and Sharona."

Sharona: "I'm nursing again."
Monk: "But isn't Benjy 17 now?"

Monk: "Hey...you still got it."
Sharona: "It's like riding a bike...a very clean, very unusual....very sad bike."

Natalie: "You paid Sharona 20 dollars an hour more than me? That's not fair and you know it."
Monk: "She had a kid."
Natalie: "I have a kid!"
Monk: "Well, he eats more."

Monk:Lobby....LOBBY...LOBBY etc.!!!!!!!

Monk: You look like a Moose. I'm gonna call you Mr. Look Like A Moose

Monk:We're just two guys sitting here in a revolving resteraunt!!!!!

Monk:I heard some screaming
Stottlemeyer: That was me, you tied my foot to the bed!!!!!

Monk:There's a fatal flaw in the night vision googles plan!!!!!!

Natalie: When would my hours be?
Monk: 9AM
Natalie: 9AM to when?
Monk: Until one of us dies!!!!!!!

Sharona: I'm nursing again
Monk: Isn't Benji like 17 now?

Natalie: You paid Sharona $20 more an hour than me?
Monk: She had a kid!!!!
Natalie: I have a kid!!!!
Monk: Well, he eats more
This might be paraphrasing:
Stottlemeyer: Now can we all go so that I can get back to bed and Captain America can get back to Gotham city?
Randy: That's Batman, I'm from _________ (forgot where Captain America's from)

Monk: How old are you?
Secretary: I'm 50
Monk: Wow, over the hill aren't you?

Monk: That makes me want to lol out loud!!!

Natalie: There are two of us and you're second
Monk: Yeah out of two!!!!!! We call that last!!!!!!!!

Randy: *types on Bilboard outside bank* WE'RE DYING IN HERE...NO FOOD OR AIR...CALL 911 YOU CRAZY SILVER BASTARD!!!!!!!!!

^ ^ Love reading all the Monk quotes you guys posted! *wipes tear*

"Mr. Monk Goes Back to School"
Monk: Maybe I should go talk to that student over there that the bullies are picking on.
Sharona: Oh, I don't know -- what would you say?
Monk: That things will get worse.


"Mr. Monk and the Psychic"
Monk: Dolly? Dolly Flint! They're all fakes! You gotta be a little skeptical, Sharona! Otherwise you end up believing in everything - UFOS, elves - income tax rebates!



"Mr. Monk and the Godfather"
Someone (?): So you got a babysitter now?
Monk: Oh, no. I haven't had a babysitter since I was 18.
Sharona: You had a babysitter when you were 18?
Monk: It was the late 1970's. It was a popular thing.



"Mr. Monk and the Employee of the Month"
Officer Christie: Would you kill someone to get this?
Monk : I'd kill someone not to get it.



"Mr. Monk Gets Cabin Fever"
Monk: I happen to believe that all men are brothers. Every man's bent antenna diminishes me.

Monk: Aaaa I got nature, n-n-nature on my hand here. I need a wipe...*snap* WIPE! (Natalie hands him a leaf). AAAH! You can't clean nature with nature!

Capt. Stottlemeyer: Monk, are you sure. I mean really sure. Don't give me any of that 95% crap.
Monk: Captain, I am 100% sure that she probably killed him.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: What does that mean?
Monk: 95%




"Mr. Monk and the Airplane"
Kid: Pete and Repeat were on a boat. Pete fell off. Who was left?
Monk: Repeat.
Kid: Pete and Repeat were on a boat. Pete fell off. Who was left?
Monk: Repeat.
Kid: Pete and Repeat were on a boat. Pete fell off. Who was left?
Monk: (looking tired) Repeat...



"Mr. Monk Gets Lotto Fever"
Monk: Ah, you miss it don't you?
Natalie: More than you know. No, I have the best job in the world right here. I'm proud to be your Garfunkel, Mr. Monk.
Monk: You know we can both could be Garfunkels. A couple of Garfunkels.
Natalie: Yeah, maybe, there's no law against it.
Monk: Yeah...

Natalie: Do you know who Garfunkel is?
Monk: Sure. He's a cartoon cat - hates Mondays.
Natalie: No, that's Garfield. This is Garfunkel.
Monk: Oh! Garfunkel, right. That's something my grandmother had on her neck.
Natalie: No, he's a singer! (laughs). Simon and Garfunkel.
Monk: Right! The Chipmunks!
Natalie: No, not the Chipmunks! "Bridge Over Troubled Water," "Mrs. Robinson"...
Monk: What are you talking about?
Natalie: Their songs. "Feeling Groovy"? (snaps fingers)
Monk: Oh, so they're hippies. Cartoon hippies.




"Mr. Monk and the Buried Treasure"
Randy: I think this happened for a reason. Him dying, me finding this. (trying to snatch the fast food coupon from Capt. Stottlemeyer's hand)
Capt. Stottlemeyer: What are you talking about?
Randy: Circle of life.
Capt. Stottlemeyer: That's the Lion King.
Randy: Exactly. Except instead of the lion, it's me. And instead of a baby cub, it's a Diet Coke.




"Mr. Monk Visits the Farm"
Monk: Where's the pig? Maybe we can have them do an autopsy.
Randy: (pause) We ate her.





"Mr. Monk and the Blackout"
Sharona: I'm going to hell. I'm a horrible person.
Monk: Why?
Sharona: I just told that woman, Michelle that there was nothing wrong with you.




"Mr. Monk Takes His Medicine"
Monk: Smoke 'em if you got 'em. (with a mouthful of Capt. Stottlemeyer's hospital food)




"Mr. Monk Goes to a Fashion Show"
Monk: Inspector #8 is very important to me because no matter how bad things got, I knew I can always count on her.
Natalie: Mr. Monk you understand you're talking about someone you have never even met, who works in a factory somewhere who inspects shirts.
Monk: She's my soulmate.
Natalie: You don't even know if it's a man or a woman.
Monk: I love her...
I think she's in trouble.
Natalie: Okay, maybe she's retired. Maybe there's a new #8.
Monk: No ~ that's not possible! She would never retire! She loves her work! Look at this shirt (holding his collars). Now Inspector #5, I can see him retiring because he stopped caring years ago!

Monk: I've only got 5 shirts left, wh-wh-what if I spill something. What if one rips? It looks like an endangered species.
Natalie: Put two shirts in the dryer
Monk: Yeah...
Natalie: Close the door, see if they mate.

Monk: That's #4, he's a hack. He makes Inspector #10 look like Inspector #6...
There she is! There she is! That's her! That's #8!
Natalie: Well, are you gonna ask her out?




"Mr. Monk Goes to the Circus"
Sharona: We're not married and if we ever get married...shoot me!
Monk: You know who you should never marry? The Elephant Man.
Sharona: (Angrily pointing to Monk) I'd marry the Elephant Man, before I marry you!

Monk organizes magazines on the table, but Sharona clears it away with her leg and angrily looks up at Monk.
Sharona: SIU. You know what that means?
Monk: Yes, I know what it means.




"Mr. Monk Is On the Run (Part 1)"
As Monk and Natalie hug before Monk is taken away.

Sheriff Rollins: Alright, let's not get all conjugal here.

(Mr Monk And The Voodoo Curse)
Natalie: You know anything about ceiling fans?
Randy: Like what?
Natalie:Do they ever come off? I have one in my bedroom I swear I heard it whispering my name all night.

(Mr Monk And The UFO)
Natalie:For The Love Of God Mr Monk Show Them Your Belly Botton

(Mr Monk And The UFO)
Monk:Oh My God You Dont Think I Have A Belly Button

(Mr Monk And Forgien Man)
Monk:For The Love Of Crackers

(Mr Monk Favorite TV Show)
Monk:Shucky Darns

(Mr Monks Favorite TV Show)
Monk:What Are You Drinking?
Natalie:Tea
Monk: Is It Hot?
Natalie:Yes
Monk:Good Pour It Into My Eyes
Natalie:Oh Mr Monk
Monk:Do It Blind Me

(Mr Monk On Wheels)
Natalie:How Does It Taste?
Monk:Who Cares Its A Square Tomato

(Mr Monk Gets Lotto Fever)
Natalie:I have the best job in the world right here im proud to be your garfunkel Mr Monk
Monk:We both could be garfunkel a couple of garfunkels

(Mr Monk Is Under Water)
Monk:Oh god Natalie
Natalie:What?
Monk:Ocean in my pants ocean in my pants

First of all, Hello everybody, I just signed on to the forum and this seems like a great thread for my first post

Some of my favourites have already been mentioned. I also love these two:

From "Mr. Monk and the Other Woman":

Monica: You don't like change, do you?
Monk: I have no problem with change. I just don't like to be there when it happens.

From "Mr. Monk is at your Service":

Natalie: I can't go in. I'll meet you back here in ten minutes.
Monk: What are you talking about? I'm not going in there alone. That would be like me... going in some place alone.

The first quote is from Mr. Monk Goes Back to School, when he is in the cafeteria with Sharona. He asks her if she was one of the popular kids, and she says yes. Then she asks him who he was in high school, and he points to the nerdy kid that the bullies are picking on.

The second one is from Mr. Monk and the Psychic, I believe.

I could be wrong, but you know I'm not. =)

What's the name of the episode where Kevin Dorfman gets a really hot girlfriend who distracts him from the fact that he won the lottery? Anyway, there's a terrific scene in that episode...Kevin is getting lots of "action" with his new girlfriend and it's keeping Monk up at night. Monk tells Dr. Kroger about it, and Dr. Kroger asks him if it's because he's reminded of how things were between him and Trudy. Monk starts to get visibly uncomfortable, and Dr. Kroger says, "Adrian, this is something we haven't discussed before...your intimate life with Trudy. But, as your doctor, I think it's an important subject to talk about, so we can either sit here until the session is over and sing show tunes to each other or we can talk about your sex life."

A beat of silence goes by, and Monk starts singing a show tune (I forget which one) while Dr. Kroger just stares at him blankly.

Another favorite scene of mine is in "Mr. Monk on Wheels" (actually, I love that whole episode, especially the end where Natalie is celebrating her victory and accidentally shoots Monk in his other leg), Natalie is asking Monk to investigate the case of the stolen bicycle:

Natalie: It can count as my birthday present!
Monk: I wasn't planning on buying you a birthday present.

The episode with Kevin Dorfman is Mr. Monk and the Paperboy, and the song is "If Ever I Would Leave You". I like the whole episode of Mr. Monk on Wheels too! =)

LOL! I forget about that scene...thanks for the refresher!


Thanks, Monanic10 for the episode titles!

You're Welcome! Hey I thought of another Monk-ism I like too... from Mr. Monk and the Leper again:

Natalie: Mr. Monk! All you did was shake the man's hand!
Monk: You're right. This isn't enough.
Natalie: You've been washing your hands for six hours!
Monk: [Takes out a can of kerosene, pours it all over his hand, and throws Natalie a lighter] Light me. Light me on fire.

My favorite: "I could be wrong, which, you know, I'm not."

My all time favorite! "It's a gift.................and a curse!"

Some good ones already post. Here are my favs:

Mr. Monk Goes to the Asylum
[On the hospital's roof, Monk addresses "Santa" as the police cover them from below.]
Monk: By the way, in case we don't get a chance to talk later, [I] just want you to know — except for the murders and your trying to kill me, you really were the best doctor I ever had.


Mr. Monk and the Three Pies
Ambrose Monk: Which means, he parked by the river, at the southern entrance.
Sharona Fleming: Wow!
Adrian Monk: Please stop staying "wow."
Ambrose Monk: This detective stuff is easy.
Sharona Fleming: Looks like you got a new partner.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, for any crime committed within thirty feet of this property.


Monk: She forgot she was a vegetarian? Who forgets they're vegetarian? It's like... forgetting you're a Republican.

"you'll thank me later"

"I'm the askew police."

"I'm a mutant: half man, half wuss. I'm a muss."

"I can't even discuss it. I can't even think about discussing it. I can't even talk about thinking about discussing it."

"...massive internal bleeding". When Monk thought he had Ebola in stays in bed

From is up all night "I live in New York, I mean Captain America does."-Randy.

"I'm not suicidal, I just wish I was never born. There's a difference."

I love reading this thread! So many good Monkisms!

From "Mr. Monk is the best man", at Stottlemeyer's bachelor party:

- MIKE: Monk, there's a bathroom in the bathroom.
- MONK: Where do you want me to put it, Mike? In the kitchen?

I'm surprised this one hasn't been said.: Here's what happend...*insert what happened*

and then this sweet gem: (I think the episode is Takes Manhatten)

"This is me, turning off your morphine, *turns off morphine for Warrick tennison.* and this is Trudy, the woman you killed, turning it back on."

Love Love Love that bit from Manhatten.

Another one I loved: "Dog lick hand. Dog lick hand." And Natalie's response: "Yes, I know 'dog lick hand."

Just watched On The Run Pt. 1. There's some great stuff in that one . . .

Stottlemeyer: Monk, it's pretty intense. If you don't think you can handle it, maybe you should go home.
Monk: I understand. (He then starts to leave)

Judge: Bail is set at $900,000.
Lawyer: Could you make it an even million?
Stottleymeyer (in the background): Oh my God.