I've been meaning to post this for a few days now, but it's hard to put my feelings into words. In the last month or so, I have posted on this board more often than in the entire time I've been a member! It's really helped me to be able to express my feelings about the loss of Stanley and so forth, but I'm still really hurting inside and I wondered if anyone else is.

I don't mean "Are you still sad that he's gone?" Of course we are. We will be for a long time. But I think I've actually become a little depressed over it.

Since that horrible day when I saw the news of his passing, I have thought about the man constantly. Something that I've never done before. This is terrible to say but before that, I really didn't give it a second thought. Not to say that I didn't care about him or like him as an actor. I just didn't come to the board that often and the only time I would really "think" about him was when I saw him on Monk. I'm sure that's true for a lot of people.

I feel like Adrian in "New Shrink" where he goes through the grieving process over and over. Just last week I thought I was at the "acceptance" stage and then just a few days ago, I was lying in bed, almost in tears-which never come, even though I want them too, so desperately. I feel some guilt because I didn't come to the board more often, and that I never wrote Stanley a letter; never checked IMDB to see what other stuff he had done. Now I have his name on my TiVo list and anytime a show he appears in comes on, it will tape it. So far, I've found two shows (one being an appearance of his in "Reba"-as a shrink! ) that he's guest stared in. I haven't watched either, but when I do, I'll post a note about it.

I just have this terrible guilt hanging over me, and it's ridiculous, because I didn't even know the man! I don't want to offend anyone by saying this but last night, I was reading the topics and when I saw the topic about Hector being hired as the new shrink, I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. I'm serious. It hurt that bad.

I honestly feel like I've lost a family member or a friend (minus the tears), and anytime I mention it to someone they don't understand. I have a blog on another site and I posted this huge blog about Stanley's passing. I did get a few "condolences" but that would be like someone telling me that they were distraught over someone's death on a show I had never watched before. I would reply the same way "I'm sorry to hear that".

I keep having these dreams about Stanley (or daydreams I should say); some of which are completely insane, and I also made this collage of pictures on my cubicle in honor of him. Whenever someone at work asks me who the pictures are of, I actually get a little embarrassed having to explain. Not that I'm embarrassed by Stanley (on the contrary), but as I said before, people don't understand; even those I work with who have actually watched the show.

I feel like I need my own shrink because I don't know how to make this feeling go away. I've never been affected this way by the death of another actor-ever. I'm hoping that part of my sadness is in "anticipation" of the July premiere because we really don't know how they will handle all this. Hopefully that will serve as closure for me.

Andrea

I think that the character of Dr. Kroger meant a lot of things to a lot of people. He was a sign of stability, hope, health, and progress in that long haul we call life.

I'm hard pressed to find a character who so singularly embodied hope and dignity.

In many ways, we all lost our therapist.

Maybe you're mourning what he brought to your life. And if so, that's actually great. Because those things can be found in your daily life rather than t.v. and maybe you're realizing that you want or need those things.

I've been to more than a handful of therapists. I have to to keep my medications current with my symptoms. And it was hard to let some of them go because they were really good, helpful people.

If you need that kind of help then maybe this is your minds way of letting you know to seek it. I know a lot of people attach a stigma to meantal health patients - but most of those people could use a little therapy themselves - because that attitude is just a way of feeling superior to others.

You dont stigmitize people with plumbing problems for using a plumbers help, or getting a surgeon for when you need surgery.

I think that the truth is - a lot of the people who need mental health assistance never realize it - because thier condition is 'normal' for them.

At least you have an inkling that something isnt right. And that means you can act on it.

If this isnt too forward of me - dont wait for closure. In the long run it's clumsy and ineffective. You have to seek closure and health to attain them in great enough quantity to make a real difference.

As they say; Seek and ye shall find.

-Mandeville

I thought I had "gotten past the grief" of this, too. But, yesterday, I again saw the tribute to SK they air after a showing of a Monk epi, and I burst into heaving sobs and serious tears. With watching him on the show every moment I can, and having him come here to post things to us, I really felt he was a friend.

Meme

I think I'm still in denile!

Stanley was a great actor and he brought so much to the role of Dr. Kroger. I always looked forward to when Dr. Kroger would have his sessions with Adrian. I loved Stanley in that role and he and Tony worked so well together.

I also get sad when I watch the tribute to him and I think I'm also in denial. I try not to allow myself to think he's gone, because when I do I want to cry. I know when Season 7 begins that's when it's going to really hit me that he's really gone. Right now all the episodes we see have him in it.

I think we take it hard with certain celebrities, because they not only come into our lives through our television, but they also earn a special place in our hearts. It takes someone very special to be able to do that and Stanley was one of those people. I think he earned his way into so many hearts and will always be missed, and remembered.

Andrea, you said it feels as if you lost a family member and that's how it feels. Give yourself time to have closure and to heal. It's perfectly normal to grieve and miss him. That's what's so nice about this site. We can show our feelings and people understand, because they're grieving too.

Thank you for your wonderful words of kindness and support. Reading some of those brought tears to my eyes...
I meant to say last night that the reason I was even posting this topic was because I felt kind of "alone". It's funny how the "tone" of the board can shift from week to week. A few weeks ago, after I found out about Stanley, most of the posts were about him. Little by little I'm seeing fewer "Stanley" topics. Nothing wrong with it of course, but I had the feeling that some people had moved on.

A few weeks ago, when I had that really bad Friday where I was in a depressed state, I told my husband what I was upset about. It probably wasn't a good idea, because although he loves Monk (he's the one who introduced me!), he wasn't as affected by Stanley's passing as I was. He's never posted anything on the board and I think that if I had never come here, I wouldn't be as affected as I am.

I was thinking today about how usually I would be so excited about the upcoming season, but now I'm kind of nervous about it. Of course I'm glad they hired Hector, but there's going to be a huge hole in the show without Dr. Kroger and I may not like the show as much as I used to. I'm sure it will be just as wonderful as before (same cast, writers, etc) but with a giant part of my reason for watching will be gone.

I know in time it will get easier, and I won't think about him as much. I had to deal with two family members deaths in January of 2007 within days of each other; one being my step dad and another being my aunt. It took me till almost March to where I wasn't crying constantly about them, and I'm sure this will go away as well. However, I just lost a friend and supervisor this past February which was hard to take as well.

I have been trying to decide what I should do in memory of Stanley and I thought about donating to that fund that they set up in his name at the hospital in LA. Then I started thinking that maybe it would be better to donate to something close to my heart. If I were to sit down and write a letter to Stanley right now, I would tell him all about my ten years of being a volunteer at the Seattle Aquarium. It's the coolest thing I've ever done in my life, and I absolutely love it! I think I'm going to donate some money in honor of him (in his name) to my favorite place in the whole world.

I wrote to an actress on One Life To Live many times and once I even wrote her from the aquarium. I was doing volunteer work, observing sea otters (who were all sleeping at the time), and I wrote explaining to her what I was doing. A couple of years ago I got to meet the actress and I brought her a necklace that I had bought at the Aquarium. Hoping to strike up a conversation, I left the tag on it (sans price, of course) that said Seattle Aquarium. When I gave it to her, she looked at it and said "Oh! The Seattle Aquarium!" I said "I work there!" and she said "Yes, you wrote me about that!" I was just amazed that she remembered because that was a LONG time after I had written her.

I think that's what Stanley would have done-with anyone really. I don't know how much mail he received but I'm sure it was a lot. But still, I think he probably read each and every one and maybe even took the time to respond.

I think one of these days I'm going to have a "Dr. Kroger marathon" and watch every episode that Stanley was in. I'm sure all of them would be on my list of must-see episodes anyway.

Andrea

I know in time it will get easier, and I won't think about him as much. I had to deal with two family members deaths in January of 2007 within days of each other; one being my step dad and another being my aunt. It took me till almost March to where I wasn't crying constantly about them, and I'm sure this will go away as well. However, I just lost a friend and supervisor this past February which was hard to take as well.

My Mom passed away four years ago, and it really threw me into a deep depression. I also kept thinking of other friends/family members I'd lost over the years, and would just sob all day long for months.
The point of this is that my therapist told me that every death you experience brings back memories of others, and prolongs the grieving.
It appears that you lost several friends/family members in a short period of time. So, maybe that's the reason for what you're feeling now. Not to say you're not genuinely grieving over SK, but that it reopened old wounds.

Or, maybe my therapist is as "nuts" as I am.

Meme

I never thought about that before, but that's entirely possible. I think I'm also grieving for what will never happen; that I'll never be able to write him a letter, or even to meet him one day, although that sounds kind of crazy since it never occurred to me before his passing to even think about writing him.

Andrea

You know, maybe you shouldnt rule out the fact that maybe this is just difficult for you because of your recent losses. I know when I heard my thoughts went back to losing my grandfather last June.

But you know, I wouldnt worry about it. Our feelings help us work through things and you'll probably only feel like this as long as you have to.

Stay strong,

-M

First let me start off by saying that no matter what, Stanley Kamel will be irreplaceable and sorely missed by all of us. I'm still shocked to think we won't be blessed with his presence and his talented craft. I just noticed a snippet of info regarding Mr. Monk's new therapist and couldn't help but wonder, if anyone could pull it off it would be this guy, another talented actor Mr. Hector Elizondo. He will be in no way a replacement, ever, for Mr. Kamel, however, he could bring a new prespective to the show as Mr. Monk's therapist.

Miss you Stanley.....

I was thinking about this yesterday. When Stanley did the question/answer thing with us last August, I was fortunate enough to be able to ask him something and he answered. Now that he's gone, I sometimes say to myself "Why didn't you write him, etc, etc".

Well, I was re-reading some of the questions that were posed to Stanley during the question/answer session and I found mine....

Aug 21 2006, 03:24 PM
Post #177


Journeyman


Group: Members
Posts: 73
Joined: 3-August 06
From: Los Angeles
Member No.: 46,551

Quote:
Hi Stanley,
Dr. Kroger is, without a doubt, my favorite character on the show! I only wish that I could find a doctor (any kind of doctor!) that was as compassionate and caring as he is. I'm sure that Dr. Kroger's qualities are mirror images of your own personality!

My question is this... I know you've said that you love playing Dr. Kroger. Do you like the fact that he's only on intermitantly, or would you rather see him written into every episode and become a more central character?

By the way, you were great in the last episode "Mr. Monk Gets a New Shrink." !

Andrea,
Bothell, Washington



STANLEY: As far as more visibility in the show, let me just say this: Yes, yes, yes. And I might add... definitely yes. Because of the joy I get working on this show, nothing would please me more than to be a more integral part of every episode. Although my situation affords me the opportunity to go out and do other acting work, at this point in time Monk is one of the great joys of my career.


Although it makes me sad to read his posts, I had forgotten that I had told him about Dr. Kroger being my favorite character. I'm so glad I did that now, and I'm especially glad that I said that I wished I could find a Dr. like Dr. Kroger. That makes me feel a lot better actually.

Andrea

I'm using this thread again because I thought it would be appropriate for the topic. I just "realized" yesterday that I am doing much better in regards to my hurt over Stanley's passing. I know it's been not quite two months, but you all know how devastated I was over his death. I thought the hurt would never go away.

Yesterday was my first "realization" (as I said before) that I'm doing much better. I had made a "shrine" to him on my cubicle at work (which I will post the picture of as soon as I can). It had about 15 pictures of him. Well, I decided to take some of them down, and now I only have about three. I saw another picture of Stanley that I really like that I'm going to add, but the "shrine" will be significantly smaller. I want to keep some pictures up, but happily, I no longer feel like crying whever I look at them.

Andrea

I think I'm pretty well resigned to the fact that Stanley passed away (may feel new pangs when 7 airs, but I'll deal with those at that time.) Right now, I'm kinda dealing w/ something closer to home: the one year old daughter of a friend was recently diagnosed with leukemia. That's hitting me hard now.

I know your meaning. I've just screwed up something potentially wonderful. Unfortunatly all a person can do in this life is there best. After that it's up to a higher power.

God be with us all.

So sorry to hear that Crystal.

I hope this will be an encouragement. I know someone diagnosed with leukemia several years ago, and they're doing much better. There have been tremendous strides in research over the past few years. The right forms of the disease caught at the right time can be completely treatable. Here's hoping and praying that's the case with your friend's daughter as well.

Barb

I will. Thanky.

I'm so sorry to hear that, Crystal. I'm hoping and praying that they caught it very early at a very treatable stage, so maybe the treatments won't be too bad and won't take too long, and she can get on with the business of being a carefree child. No child, especially one this young, should have to deal with something this horrible. And no parent should have to see their child going through such a frightening and painful thing.

Thank you, Liv. Thank's for all the thoughts, prayers, etc., I will pass the messages on to my friend and her family.