hey.. not a writer here.. just had a story in my head.. strictly for entertainment purposes only
(forgive the some unique spelling)



What if it happened..something like this?

chapter one

Detective Robert Goren enters the precinct emotionaly spent after talking to his mom. He knows her death is near, and the possible revelation about his father was still swirling in his head." How could everything in my life change so quickly?" he kept asking himself. he removes his brown coat..the coat that had been his embracing friend for so many years. an element of comfort for him. as he places it on the coat hook, he notices how different even this old friend seems. Everything around him has changed.

"Goren!.. in my office" Captain Ross's voice startles him from his self indulgent trance. he slowly enters Ross's office to find a funny little man, wearing a brown rain coat standing by the desk. "What an odd little guy" Bobby thinks to himself, yet, he thought, there was something strangly familiar about him.

"Detective" Ross begins "Your partner is having some personal problems and I've given her some time off". Bobby perplexed ponders to himself " Funny, She didn't mentioned any personal problems to me", "What kind of problems?" he asks. Ross glances at the funny little man beside him "uh.. we can talk about that later". Bobby, taken aback "of course, I..I'll get back with you ". Ross places his hand on the shoulder of the little man..this funny little guy with salt and pepper hair and an unlit cigar in his mouth. He cocks his head to the right and looks up at the towering detective in front of him, eyes squinted..well , one eye squinted, Bobby squints back curiously.

"This is Lt Columbo, from the LAPD". " He's here to observe, and I didn't have anyone for him to partner with until now. so until Eames comes back you two ride together". "Uh..captian, can I speak to you...in private" Bobby says. Captain Ross lets out a heavy sigh. "oh that's ok" Columbo says in a gravely voice. "I'll wait outside",he turns to Bobby " where's your desk?" Ross points to the front of the precinct "It's that first one there". Bobby leans forward to get a better look as Columbo walks toward his desk."I don't know about this" his inner voice tells him. Ross closes the door "What is it detective" Bobby paces back and forth looking down at the floor. "Captain, you know I am going through a....." I know" Ross interupts. Bobby raises his eyes to meet Ross's Ross continues " I think this will be good for you. You have no open cases right now and this will keep your mind occupied." "Lt Columbo has many years in homicide. so you could really take advantage of his experience.. pick his brain, learn from a seasoned cop." Bobby opens his mouth to speak, but Ross continues,"look, Goren, it would do you a lot of good to listen and observe some police procedure" "besides, he's read your personnel file and he's anxious to pick your brain as well".A panic look overtakes Bobby's expression.."but.. but captain". Ross opens the door, "Go detective. that's an order."

Looking up from some papers he was scarcely reading, Bobby couldn't help but be annoyed at the funny little man sitting in Eames' chair, touching her things." I just hate when strangers plunder through someones personal things like that", he says to himself.."look at him.. he can't keep his hands off her stuff.. it's intolerable". "Uh she doesn't like anyone messing with her peronal stuff.. so if you don't mind". Columbo continued his observation of the desk before him. "I was just trying to get a feel for her." Bobby straightens up in his chair glaring back at this intruder "What?" he snapped. "you know" Columbo continues,"You can get a feel for someone from just looking and touching things that they hold dear." Bobby snatches a framed picture from Columbos hands and puts it back in it's place. "Well we're not investigating her.. so just leave her stuff alone." "Ok , ok" the scruffy little detective gazes at Bobby's hand. "What?", Bobby's patience is already wearing thin. Columbo cocks his head, and with a sheepish grin says "Well... I just couldn't help but notice you have large hands." Bobby rolls his eyes and sighs, "So?", "Well" the little man continues, " It's always been a theory about men with big hands and big feet.. by the way.. what size shoe do you wear?" Bobby looks amazed at this annoying little man , but does not answer. " I have rather small hands and feet.. so.. well I have a theory.. wanna hear it?" "Oh God" his inner voice exlaims, Bobby motionless, continues to stare bewildered as Columbo awaits an answer.

"Detective", Bobby is startled and looks over his left shoulder to find the Captain looking down at him. "Logan could use a little help on his case, so I want you and the lieutenant to meet him in China town, he'll call you with the address. so go ahead and get started that way." Bobby grabs his coat and leather notebook and heads for the elevator, Columbo trying to keep pace, catches his coat on the desk. His wallet falls to the floor unnoticed by either man as they head out to meet detective Mike Logan. A uniform policeman notices the wallet and tries to get the mens attention but he arrives at the elevator to see the door close. As he picks the wallet up a small picture falls out. The policeman fumbles to slip the picture back in the wallet when he is called away. He places it on Goren's desk with the little picture peeking out of the corner. A faded picture of a young , slim woman with dark hair, lies there waiting for Bobby to discover.

That's cute! Are you going to write more or was that it?

Uuuu,interesing stuff!!

oh.. there's more:

chapter 2

Detective Goren and Lt Columbo make thier way to China town to meet detective Logan for a meeting of the minds on a case. Bobby Goren considers himself a compitent detective.. He questions the reasoning behind this unwanted partnership with this odd little LAPD detective. "Why hasn't he retired?"his little voice ponders. "What is he..eighty .. something?"Bobby hears a distant rambling from the man beside him and realizes Columbo has been rattleing on for blocks. "And that's why I left New York for LA." Columbo gazes at his partner as if he expects a reply. Bobby exhales a long sigh and continues to peer straight ahead. " Well here we are", " Now all we gotta do is find Logan." As he pulls to the curb he spots detective Logan on the sidewalk. "There he is". "Well, let's go." Columbo follows Bobby's lead as they exit the car and make thier way to Logan. Logan squints as to focus his eyes as the two men approach him. Bobby notices a little smirk on Logans face, as Logan looks first to Bobby and then to his companion. "What?" Bobby is annoyed at Logan's demeaner. Logan smiles "Nothing." Detective Logan can hardly contain himself and forces back a chuckle. "This must be Columbo" the lieutenant looks up at Bobby." Sorry", Bobby begins" Logan this is detect ..." Lieutenant" Columbo interjects.."Right..Lieu-te-nant Columbo." the two men shake hands as Bobby becomes increasingly restless. "Ok Logan, lets get on with it"

The two men listen as Logan lays the situation out for them. Bobby remembers some of the details from reading the files on the case at his desk. he knew he could have been more prepared if he hadn't been so distracted by someone plundering in Eames' belongings. Listening to Logan jogged his memory of some of the details. he recollected there was an asian woman seen with a known assailant, someone who had alledgedly smuggled some valuable Chinese art into the country. this man was also a possible murder suspect. Logan had made arrangements to meet a *snitch* concerning the case, but he knows there is a woman meeting the discription from the witness in the building behind them. as he finishes his briefing, he directs Bobby and Columbo's attention to the building.

" I followed her to this building and gave the super a description." "he says he thinks it's the woman in apartment 2 B, a miss Wang." Bobby looks up at the second story windows. "So you haven't talked to her yet?" Logan sighs, "No, and I don't know how long she'll be there." The super says she's in and out, all hours of the day and night, and I gotta meet my guy." Bobby takes a deep breath in anticipation of Columbo observing him. If he couldn't conduct this interview with Eames, he'd much rather do it along. But, Columbo is here, and as uncomfortable this feels, it's the hand he's been delt. "ok", "lets go, but remember, you are observing, right!" Columbo cocks his head to one side "Sure, anything you say detective."

The two men make thier way up the steep flight of stairs. Lt Columbo recalls the years he worked at the 12th precinct "I've climbed a lot of these stairs in my day. seems to get harder and harder" he chuckles. Bobby wonders to himself why an eighty-something year old man is doing climbing these stairs with him anyway. As they reach the second floor Columbo stops. Bobby looks behind him to see the the little man bending over with his hands on his knees. "Whew" Columbo exhales and then looks up at Bobby. "Mrs. Columbo is always after me to walk on her treadmill." Bobby releases a heavy sigh."You need to rest a minute?" The lieutenant straightens himself and takes a couple of deep breaths. "There's 2B."

After a few knocks on the door, it opens to reveal an attractive asian woman approximately 25 years old. Bobby adjusts his body to meet her eyes, and smiles."I'm detective Goren and this is det.. uh.. lieutenat Columbo, m..may we speak with you? "it will only take a few minutes." She takes note of this curious pair, first Bobby and then Columbo. "uh" Bobby breaks her gaze,"You are miss Wang?" The woman stands firm in the doorway. "Yes, what's this all about?" Bobby opens his mouth to speak only to be intercepted by his partner. " Nice place you got here miss Wang." Columbo eases himself around her, and into her apartment. totaly caught off guard, she turns to confront him allowing Bobby to step inside. Miss Wang steps back away from the two men, these two cops who have invaded her space. she crosses her arms in front of her, "What do you want." she says bluntly. Both men lean slightly toward her. "We're investigating..." they both say in unisen. Bobby steps back to turn to Columbo. He glares at the lieutenant as if firing invisible daggers at a target. Columbo feeling the sting retreats and begins to venture through the apartment. Bobby resumes his focus on this woman who makes it very clear by her affect that she is annoyed. "We.. I'm ...I want to ask you .. where were you yesterday .. around 2 pm?" Miss Wang unfolds her arms and brushes her hair back from her face. " I was with this guy.." Bobby leans toward her to meet her gaze. "What guy?"" A boyfriend?" " uh.. no.. not exactly.. just some guy I met." the detective draws closer to her. " Oh ..he.. was a "date"? ".. clarifying with fingered quotation marks. " don't see what business that is of yours." she snaps "You haven't told me what this is all about, and ..HEY!" she. peers around Bobby to catch a glimps of Columbo rambling through some photos on a desk. She makes her way around Bobby and grabs some pictures from Columbos hands. " I don't have to talk to you!" I want you to leave.. leave right now!" Bobby turns to see the comotion.."there he goes again!" he exclaims to himself. "he just can't help himself.. he seems hell bent on sabotaging me.. this great investigator!" I'm suppose to learn from HIM!"

" Miss Wang." almost pleading , Bobby must re- establish control of the situation. "Miss Wang, please." he implores, " are you involved with this .. guy?" " It's very important.. do you know anything about him?" replacing the photos on the desk she backs away from Columbo. She rubs her face with her hands and folds her arms in front of her again. Columbo crosses his hands behind his back. Stepping away from the desk, he walks over and settles himself at Bobby's side. Bobby continues. "Do you at least know his name?" releasing a deep sigh, she settles herself against the desk. "John" she answers."That's all I know". Bobby is perplexed at the irony. He notices an expression on Columbo's face that mirrors his own.."he gets it too" his innervoice aknowledges that at least, at that moment, they were on the same page. " john?" again a Goren and Columbo duet. Bobby feels an uncontrollable little twitch to the left side of his face. Columbo turns toward him and leans closer looking right at Bobby's face, eye squinched. "yeah , John." she repeats sacasticly. All Bobby can think about is getting out of that apartment. "Ok Miss Wang, we'll most likely be wanting to talk to you again so don't plan any trips for a while." The men start toward the door..Bobby stops in his tracks, as Columbo does the same. Bobby;s left hand waves through the air as Columbos right hand does the same. they turn in almost syncranized choragraphy.. the duet rings out.."Oh.. there's one more thing." both men snap thier heads toward one another.. Bobby feels his twitch more pronounced.. for a moment niether can say a word. the woman stands frozen in front of them.Finally Columbo whispers to Bobby.. "you got a card?".. Bobby cannot break his fixated gaze from this annoying little man.. he pulls the card from his pocket and blindly reaches out for Miss Wang. She takes the card from his hand, "call that number if John contacts you." Bobby manages a weak voice. Columbo opens the door. Bobby follows him out the door, face twitching. Columbo makes his way down the outer hall, hands clasped behind his back. whistling "this old man." Bobby slowly shuffles along behind as if hypnotized. the words of the tune echo inside his head."this old man, he played one, he played nik nak on my thumb", Bobby shakes his head as if awakening from a deep sleep. " I don't care what's going on with her.. I've got to talk to Eames!"

*bug*

Remember now.. this is just a lark.. a parallel universe if you will.. and DB I know it can be a traumatic experiece so think of your health!!.. (maybe i should have posted a *caution*)
and JA.. i am counting on you to supervise the spelling and suggest adjustments as needed..( now you know I'm gonna rag you to death about that)

*bug*

Oh my gosh! This is adorable! My only suggestion to make reading easier, could you seperate dialogue by lines?
"So I would have you hit enter each time a character ended a line of dialogue." AMD said
"Really? Are you sure that's right?" Goren asked
"Yup, I'm dead positive." Donahue was looking at her chewed nails.
"Okay then I quess that does make it easier to read."
"Yeah, I'm a smartypants."
"More like dork!"
"Goren, of all people you should not throw around the D word!"
"Please, I'm not the one having a fake argument with a fictional character to prove a point about spacing dialogue on a page!" Goren laughed at her.
"Shut up, tubs!" Donahue hated that she had said it, but the words was there now, sitting between them like some big damn elephant.
"I can't believe you said that." Goren looked away, he wouldn't return her gaze. "You know I've been having some problems these past seasons..."
"I'm so sorry, I can't believe I said that." Donahue searched his face, only to see that a small smile was crawling across it.. "Oh man! Frack you!"
Goren laughed at her, "gullible."

but on a serious note, cute story. I like the paralleled body langauge and I remember my parents watching columbo, which is why they don't watch LOCI, they don't like repeats.

lol..well as i said .. i'm no writer...thanks for shte suggestions...i would like it to be more readable.. it's just a silly little story in this sick head...columbo and goren are so much alike it just screams for a story.
thanks again
*bug*

You say you're not a writer, well it looks like you are to me! I like this story, it's funny and cute! Keep it going!

chapter three:

Detective Alex Eames has faced many dangerous and sticky situations during her time at Major Case and before in Vice, but nothing had prepared her for the particular ordeal she faces now. She scurries through her bedroom collecting bed linnens and clothing, constantly adjusting the towel around her wet hair .. dropping articles and picking them up manicly as she rushes to the laundry room. The paniced look on her face tells a story.. a woman who understands that maintaining control during an interrogation.. or, God forbid, a hostage situation is paramount when seeking a positive outcome.. but this is different.

Alex throws some detergent in the washer and sets the controls..*Hot*.. *It has to be hot!* She closes the lid thinking to herself "Ok.. I think I've done everything I need to do..now just waiting.. oh how I hate waiting!" Walking back to her bedroom she looks around as if observing a crime scene. After she is satisfied she continues her observations to the living room. She starts to sit on the sofa and abruptly stops herself.." Not yet.. just wait."

She continues to the kitchen and looks around. With a heavy sigh she allows herself to ease into a chair at the kitchen table.
with her elbows propped she rests her head in her hands and sighs again. " I hope the captain is keeping Bobby busy" she says out loud "He hasn't called or anything.. that's good."

Bobby can't believe the traffic as he manuevers his SUV through the slow moving cars. having left Columbo at the precinct to wait for a briefing with Logan, he enjoys a moment of solitude, and anticipates entering the protective confines of Eames' living room. "I know this isn't exactly a nice thing to do to a friend," he tries to rationalize, "But I really need her right now, and she probably is wondering why I haven't called.. so ..this will be a good thing".
Bobby thinks of his mother and the conversations they've had the last few days. His brothers brief visit, and how acceptable it seems to her for him to drift in and out, but how important it is for Bobby to be there by her side "No excuses" he knows he's expected. He use to get so frustrated at the difference she makes between the two brothers "Frank has always been her favorite" he would always tell himself. As he drives on to meet with his partner, his friend, he remembers how she would interpret his mother's actions so differently. "Bobby" she would say "It's obvious who she wants by her side, and it's not Frank." "Why do you think she practicly demands you be there?" " She makes excuses for your brother because she loves him .. she is his mother." Eames words do ring with some truth, "But, when all is said and done, she wants you there." Bobby smiles as he remembers those conversations with Alex.. "She almost convinces me."


Alex sits back in her chair pondering her situation. Well" she begins" I never thought I'd ever go through this." Suddenly the doorbell rings and she snaps to attention. Pouncing from her chair she makes her way to the door.."Who is it?" she calls. A familiar voice from the other side of the door answers."It's me , can I talk to you?"

Alex stands in front of the door and answers.."Uh.. this is not a good time Bobby." "I know" Bobby pleads " And I'm sorry, but it's important."
Alex paces in front of the door, struggling with the decision whether or not to let him in. "What if something's happened to his mom" she thought. Why did he have to come now!
"Ok" she calls out "Come in." Bobby opens the door and steps inside. Alex takes a step back. As Bobby closes the door behind him he begins to move toward her . "Don't!" he senses urgency in her voice and stops in his tracks. Alex takes another step back.. the towel around her freshly washed hair falls to the floor. As Bobby bends down to pick up the towel Alex snaps "Stop!" Just leave it.. please!"
Bobby straightens himself and looks directly in her eyes.. he reaches his arms out to her and she takes another step back.. "Ok.. ok" his voice is calming .. Her demeaner reminds him of terrified victims he has observed over the years..In a split second his mind conjurs up many familiar scenrios..none of them good.
"Eames?" he rethinks his response.. after all this is his friend. "Alex?.. what is it?"
Alex seems to choke back the tears. Her voice is hardly audible "I..I have .. I have an infestation." Bobby turns his head as to expose his left ear. " A what?" he asks softly. Alex straightens herself "I have an infestation" she proclaims. For a moment Bobby looks in her eyes as if to try an understand some foreign language.. In a split second of realization he looks down and begins to lift each foot as he scans the floor.. " What is it?" there is a slight panic to his voice.
Alex curiously watches his feet dance up and down. It's true she doesn't always understand her partners responses and actions. Sometimes it's like a puzzle she must figure out.. she isn't in the mood for puzzles.. but..suddenly she has the solution.. "No.. no.. " she is obviously annoyed.."Not THAT kind of infestation."
Bobby stops his little dance and looks at her.. he observes as she scratches the back of her neck,, right about the hair line and then a switch in his brain connects.
"oh" he almost whispers..then the connection is complete "OH" he takes a half step back. Alex releases a heavy sob. "No.. no.. it's ok" he tries to sooth her while keeping his distance.."Alex.. it's ok.. tell me how.. how?"
Alex calms herself enough to tell her story. Her nephew ... her sweet little boy she carried for nine months.. had spent the weekend with her.. she treasures every moment with him.. the closeness.. she just can't have enough closeness .. she explains how he had started a new nursery school and was excited to tell her about it. that first night she was more than happy to let him sleep in her bed..after all she couldn't get enough cuddling. After the first day
she had noticed he was scratching his head constantly.. so she inspected his scalp.. investigated like a good cop.. when she discovered .. "there were these little tiny things." she continued.. "oh I knew what it was."
she explained how she called her sister with the news.. and how her sister rushed over to pick him up and head for the pediatrician. On monday.. she realized he had shared a little *gift*.

Bobby obsorbed all she had said.."Ok" he began in a take charge manner "There are .. things you can get to get rid of it." he was almost proud of himself for having the solution.. " I'll go to the pharmacy and..." he noticed Alex's affect had changed.. she dropped her arms to her side .. her head cocked to the left "oh" did he notice a condasending manner from her? " well I guess I can discontinue my self obsorbed pity.." her voice seemed angered "after all .. I've spent the last few hours crouching in the corner in the fetal position!!" yes..he was sure now she was angry "oops" his little voice says "it would seem I've made a blunder."
Alex continues her tyrate.. "Can you not see that my hair is wet!" she proclaims, "I've sprayed every thing in this house with this.. this.. stinky aerosal!" Bobby realizes she needs to vent.. he keeps silent. her arms waving wildly in the air. "but thank God detective Goren is here to save me!"
Bobby's eyes widen as he hears those familiar words..she is definitly angry.. maybe even furious. As she rambles on.. an uncontrollable smirk appears on Bobby's face.. she stops in mid sentance when she notices.."What!" she snaps..Bobby raises his hands in front of him as if to push his thoughts away.. "Nothing ." he says softly "you're right" , he places an open hand on his chest " I apologize Alex."
Alex calms herself and relaxes her body.. "No" she begins.."I'm sorry, I had no right to go off on you like that."
they exchange warm smiles of forgiveness. Bobby reassures Alex that she can call him anytime.. and if there was anything he could do for her right now .. all she had to do was ask...He reaches his hand out and touches hers as he reaches for the door. "Oh, wait" she realizes he had come for a reason. "Why did you need to see me?"
Bobby gives her a little smile.."It's not important."
they exchange goodbyes .. and as he closes the door behind him and heads for the car.. he can't help but be relieved that all his scenerios were wrong.
As he drives away from her house.. he notices he keeps scratching his head.."Stop it!" his little voice demands.

Bobby hangs his coat on the hook by his desk.. he looks toward the back of the room and sees Columbo briefing Logan. He releases a sigh as if to cleanse himself of the stressful day. He notices that one of the drawers in his desk is ajar. Pulling it open he noticies Columbo's wallet. "oh my." he thinks as he looks Columbos way " I bet he's forgotten all about his wallet". He takes the wallet out and notices the corner of a little picture peeking from inside. He could see the dark hair belonging to a woman.. he also can see a glimpse of her clothing.. a familiar pattern.. his heart pounds.. he makes sure Columbo is occupied with Logan. His mind races.. should he pull the picture out?
"I have to know!"

....to be continued



sorry kowaski.. i already had this typed up before i read your suggestion.. but i am re-vamping my other chapters because i think your suggestion was right on.. also.. got a lot of stuff going on at the homefront right now.. so it will probably be awhile before i am ready to post upcoming chapters.. hope you all take this as intended.. not a serious attempt at literary greatness... but just a light hearted diversion.due to the writers strike and whatever is going on in our private lives.. i think we could all use such a diversion.

*bug*

ok.. i get you.. not for you guys.. i'll just keep this on the other site it's running where people find a bit of humor.

*bug*

Bug, you're doing a fine job! KR

Bug, this story is fine. I like to wait until it's done, that's all.
Where else is this posted?
AMD