Monk, as a baker: "OK. Here's the thing. First of all, a dozen is twelve, NOT thirteen!"

YOUR turn!

But Nard, wouldn't Adrian say something like, "A dozen is supposed to be twelve, but twelve is so arbitrary. Ten is much better."

Monk as a plumber(something we'd all like to see. ) : "Ugh! Kevin! Some huge brown thing just came out of your toilet. I really hope you just shoved a bunch of brownies down your toilet!"

Monk as a bachelor: Um...actually, I'm married. Yeah. Her name was Trudy. We went all the way.

Monk as a hair stylist:Here's the thing, this little strand right here is just a little longer than the rest.
Person in the chair: Then cut it off.
Monk: Well, I can't. You see, because, I may accidentally cut it shorter than the rest and then we'd have to cut the rest of your hair to make it even.

Fun idea Nard!

!chik!

Thanks!

Monk, as a waiter:

Patron #1: "I'll have the French onion soup, please."
Patron #2: "And I'll have the lobster bisque."
Monk: "Um, you mean the French onion soup?"
Patron #2: "No. The lobster bisque"
Monk: "Um, that's not possible."
Patron #2: "Why? Are you out of it?"
Monk: "OK. Here's the thing. Since SHE ordered the French onion soup, YOU have to order it too."
Patron #2: "Why?"
Monk: "Because it wouldn't be even otherwise. She'd have one kind of soup, and you'd have another. It's ... it's ... just not ... even."
Patron #1: "What if I had ordered the lobster bisque first?"
Monk: "Then HE'D have to order it too ... which he already has! So ... TWO lobster bisque then? Wait! Stop! Where are you two going?"

Monk as a teacher: Um....Rachel, your answer isn't exactly on the lines.
Rachel: Yeah it is.
Monk: No, it has to be RIGHT on the line. Just go back and redo it.
Rachel: Why, what are you gonna do? Fail me?
Monk: Actually, I was thinking more of a detention, but failing, that's a great idea. Now, go put your lines perfectly on the paper. Oh, and use a ruler if you have to, just so you can make sure they're lined up properly.

Monk as a mechanic: Do i have to wear these.. overalls??

Mechanic: Yeah, why??

Monk: Well they're not my..style and the seams are all wrong, see this here on the arm, it's crooked, you can't expect me to work in these condidtions!!

Mechanic: But They'll protect you from getting oil on you, when you change the tyers and check the tank and stuff!!

Monk: O-oil on me, i'd rather not touch the veichle ??

Mechanic: But that's the job, you're gonna have to touch the veichle, to get the job done, there's a possibility that you might get oil on you so you'l alsol have to wear those overalls!!

Monk: will i get oil on the overalls??

Mechanic: probably a bit.

Monk: i don't want to be a grease MONKey!!
^
^
I just had too!!

Monk at Merry Maids.

Supervisor: Wow. Great job, Monk. But, your shift is over. Where is your replacement?

Monk: I sent her home. Have you seen the way she vacuums the rugs?

Supervisor: You're working a double?

Monk: No trouble at all. You'll thank me later.

Monk as a cashier:

Monk: Uh...yeah, here's the thing, I can't accept that 20 dollar bill.

Person: Why not?

Monk: It's got a little tear right there. And also, it's a little wrinkly.

!chik!

Mr. Monk the Paperboy:

Before delivery:

Natalie: We've been here for 2 hours, Mr. Monk, we have to start delivering.

Monk: These newspapers must be separated by section, did you see how they were arranged? They just folded one section INTO the other like we're animals. Each section must be folded separately.

Natalie: Mr. Monk, people like their sections folded together, it keeps the paper in one piece. They also like their papers delivered EARLY, you know, while the news is still current.

Monk: I think the people appreciate their papers perfectly sorted and they don't mind waiting a few hours, you just don't know people like I do. Now their done, so you can go deliver them.

Natalie: No, no, no, Mr. Monk, you wanted this job...

Monk: No I didn't, you made me take this job so I could give you a raise.

Natalie: Exactly, it's your job and you are going to do it. I'll drive you and you can just throw the papers out the window.

Monk: You mean I have to touch them?! But I'll get that black stuff on my hands.

Natalie: I have my wipes, you can wipe off your hands as soon as you're done.

Delivery:

At the first house

Natalie (rolls down Monk's window): Okay Mr. Monk, just toss it on their step.

Monk (struggles with grabbing the paper, then with tossing it): Uhh, ehh, I can't just throw it.

Natalie: Uggh! (thrust Monk's hand throwing the paper out the window and drives to the next house...

...the car backs up to the first house)

Natalie: Mr. Monk, we don't have all night.

Monk: I'll just be a minute. (Monk gets out of the car and straightens the paper perfectly in front of the door in the middle of the doormat, then gets back in the car)

Monk: (snaps fingers) Wipe!

Natalie: No, Mr. Monk, you can't wipe your hands until your finished.

Monk: It's on me, Natalie! Wipe! Wipe, wipe, wipe!

Natalie: Okay, okay, here.

(Next house, Monk straightens paper in front of house)

Monk: Wipe!

After Delivery:

Natalie: Mr. Monk, we just delivered 97...uh, I mean a hundred, yes a hundred, newspapers in 6 hours, that has to be some kind of record.

Monk: Is that good (sees Natalie's expression), guess not, it's never good.

Natalie: Forget it, I'll do it from now on.

Monk: Who's gonna drive you?

Natalie: Well my choices are you, or Julie, who is 2 years away from getting her license and has never been behind the wheel before.

(Monk looks nervous)

Natalie: I'll go with Julie.

(Monk looks relieved)

Sorry for the length, everyone.

katatonik, Mr. Monk the Paperboy: I can see that being part of an episode. Natalie is always looking for a raise.

Monk as a librarian ...

Customer: "Excuse me! I'm trying to find a book entitled: 'A Photographic History Of English Medicinal Herbs: Religious Ramifications And The Politics Of Entreprenurial Technology'. I've searched under Photography, History, Geography, Medicine, Gardening, Religion, Politics, Business and Technology, and I still can't find it! I can't make heads nor tails of your cataloging system!"

Monk: "How tall is the book?"

Customer: "Excuse me?"

Monk: "How tall is the book? You see, I've arranged the books in descending order of height!"

Mr Monk as a Chef:

Waitress: Uhhhh, Mr Monk, the patrons are starting to eat their napkins, they've been waiting so long for their food."

Monk: "Just a few more minutes. I'm almost finished counting out exactly 100 peas, and the baked potatoes are all now a uniform size, and the steaks weigh exactly 8 ounces, and the bread-----"

Waitress runs out of kitchen screaming.

EXCELLENT! And not in a Mr. burns kind of way, either...

But next time, I'd be glad to drive Natalie...

Monk As an Environmentalist: You see, the world is a very dirty place.

All The Environmental Activists: Yeah!

Monk: Well, I say, to make the planet a little less dirty, and to clean up....we eradicate all dirt from the Earth...

*this is where the tumbleweed rolls by.*

!chik!

chik:

This made me think of an oooooooooold '60's song by Melanie
"They (something something) and put up a parking lot."

(Ooooo those senior moments!! Help me out here, Art.)

*Actually, that was Joni Mitchell's "Big Yellow Taxi" (Great song)
They paved paradise and put up a parking lot.

O'tay, you are right---had more of a senior moment than I thought.