Well i thought, because there has been some negetivity on some threads and stuff, maybe we should, tell some jokes, whether they be crap or confusing!!
e.g:

Have you heard the joke about the butter?? well i can't tell ya cos you might spread it!!
Or..
Have you heard the joke about the bin?? I can't tell ya cos it's rubbish!!

These are just examples so you know.... ha ha!

There are three advantages to having senile dementia, and here they are:

1. You get to meet new people every day!

2. You can literally spend hours at the mall!

3. You get to meet new people every day!

I think this is funny-yes-I searched for it and I should send it to my lil brother-HUGE STAR WARS FAN.

TOP TEN BAD THINGS ABOUT HAVING A SUMMER TIME SHARE WITH DARTH VADER

10. Claims those long-distance calls to the Death Star aren't his.

9. Uses Jedi powers to shake up your root beer right before you open it.

8. He's always accusing you of hiding his asthma inhaler.

7. Claims he paid you the rent "a long, long time ago."

6. Dances around in nothing but cape and cowboy hat while doing "Darth Brooks" routine.

5. For once he could use Force to lift his wet towel off the couch.

4. That scary music that plays when he enters a room gets old real fast.

3. You feel like an idiot saying, "No, Darth isn't here. He's on the ice planet Hoth."

2. Not easy cleaning burnt Ewok fur off the barbecue grill.

1. Constantly doing his lame James Earl Jones impression.

That's a great one!!

haha i like that one

ok just clarifying that these are aloud to be stupid...so

knock knock! who's there? Andrew. Andrew who? Ann drew all over the walls!

knock knock! who's there? Amos. Amos who? A mosquitoe bit me; ouch!

lol those are my two favorite knock nocks

I made up this lame Monk joke for school, so I'll share it here.

What's Monk's least favorite food?

.....A sloppy joe!

Alright, this is a blonde joke. (Sorry if I offend any blondes,'cause I'm a blonde too, just to let you know. )

A blonde a brunette and a red head were eating lunch on the empire state building. The red head opens her lunchbox and she got a tuna sandwhich. She shouted "Aah! My husband packed me tuna! If he packs me tuna one more time, I'm going to jump off this building and kill myself!" So, the brunette opens her lunch box and she got a ham sandwhich. "Aah! My husband packed me ham, if he packs me ham one more time, I'm going to jump off this building and kill myself." The blonde opened her lunchbox and she got a PB&J. "Aah! If my hubby packs me a PB&J one more time, I'm gonna jump off this building and kill myself."

Next Day..
The red head got a tuna sandwhich, so she jumped off the building and killed herself. The brunette got ham, so she jumped off the building and killed herself. The blonde got PB&J, so she jumped off the building and killed herself.

Funeral Scene:
The red head's husband was by her coffin, crying. "Why didn't she tell me she didn't like tuna?" Brunette's husband was crying also. "I would've never packed ham if I knew she didn't like it."

But, the blonde's hubby just stood there, staring at ehr coffin. And he said in a monotonus voice: "She packed her own lunch."

My little sister (who's only nine.. so it's allowed to be a bit 'lame') told me these!!
Knock knock!! who's there?? Boo!! Boo who?? Don't cry it's only a joke!!
And....
Knock knock!! who's there?? Doctor!! Doctor who?? Exactly!!
(you know Doctor who.. or David Tennant who plays him well anyhow the jokes been out like since Tom Baker played him!!)

Just a couple quips...

If FedEx and UPS got together to form a mailing company, would tehy be called "FedUp?"

If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it? lol

OK, here's a lame one:

Knock - Knock
Who's There?
Acorn!
Acorn Who?
Acorn-y Joke

Lol,
I heard this one ages ago....

A chicken and a goose were talking then the chicken said "i'm of over to the shop" and went to cross the road then the goose said "oh i wouldn't do that, you'll never hear the end of it!!"

Here's my contributions to the silly ones:

Three retirees, each hard of hearing, were playing golf one fine March day.
The first one says "Windy, isn't it?"
The second one says "Not it's not, it's Thursday"
The third says "So am I. Let's have a beer."

Two elderly ladies, who were friends for many decades and shared all kinds of adventures, were now limited to meeting a couple times a week to play cards. One day, one looked at the other and said "I'm sorry, this is so embarrassing. I know we've been friends for years, but I seem to have forgotten your name. Please, dear, tell me your name."
The second lady sat and stared and glared at her friend for a full three minutes before she finally said "How soon do you need to know?"

A senior citizen was driving down the freeway when his cell phone rang. Answering it, he heard his wife urgently warning him "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car driving the wrong way on the interstate. Please be careful"
"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car--there's hundreds of them".


Meme

Why did the chicken cross the yard?
To get to the other slide.


What do you call a fish with 2 knees???
A tu-nee fish!

A blonde called her boyfriend and said,
> >"Please come over here and help me.
> >I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure it out or how
> >to get it started."
> >
> >Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
> >
> >The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
> >
> >Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle.
> >She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over
> >
> >the table.
> >
> >He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then
> >
> >turned
> > to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going
> >
> >to be
> > able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.
> >
> >He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax.
> >Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then............", he
> >
> >sighed, .....
> >
> >"Let's put all these frosted flakes back in the box."

There was an old couple who was always forgetting things. They tried as hard as they could to remember everything by writing notes. One day, the old lady wanted ice cream sundaes. "Honey," She said to her husband, "Can yu get me some ice-cream."
"Sure."
"Alright, I want cherries...I think you should write this down..."
"No, I'll remember."
"And I want sprinkles...I really think you should write that down..."
"No, I got it, I promise."

So, twenty minutes later, the husband comes back with toast and eggs on a plate for his wife. "What's the matter with you?!?!" the wife screams "You forgot my bacon!"

The Good Wife
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer
>says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
>The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at
>60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
>
>Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't
>be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
>
>As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks
>over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for
>once?"
>
>The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful
>your radar detector went off when it did."
>
>
>As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal
>radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through
>clenched teeth, "Damn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth
>shut?"
>
>The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not
>wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
>The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it
>on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my
>license out of my back pocket."
>
>The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you
>didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're
>driving."
>
>And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket
>the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
>
>The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your
>husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
>
>
>"Only when he's been drinking."

I home school my 7 year old and the t.v. isn't on, she's doing a report on animals that have jobs on farms right now and I suppose her little mind started wandering because she just came back to my room and said "If you wake up feeling a little hoarse, you should probably stop sleeping in the barn." I love my kiddo

Aaaaw thats soooo cute!! It's funny when kids come out with funny little things, i remember when my little sister who is nine, well when she was six, she said that she has turkey twizzlwers in school, so she was asking my mum, "does a turkey get wrapped around a stick and cooked!!

This is a hillbilly joke, originated in Kentucky, as told by my uncle Bob. (Seriously, his names Bob. )

A guy didn't like his wife, so he decided to hire someone to murder her. The guy found Artie. Artie was a..well..a nice way to put it..a mentally challenged person. Anyways, the guy told Artie: "I'll pay you one dollar if you go to Meijer's and strangle my wife."
"How do I know which lady is your wife?"
"Oh, it's easy." Said the man, "She's the ugliest woman on the planet."

So, Artie went to Meijer's. He found a woman. She was pretty dang ugly, so he strangled her. The man was upset. "Artie!" he yelled, "That wasn't my wife!! Now, go find her again." So, Artie went back into Meijer's and found a woman who was even uglier than the one he just strangled. So he strangled that lady. "That wasn't my wife either." Said the man, impatiently. "Go try one more time." So, Artie went back into the store and found a woman even UGLIER than the last two. So, he strangled her. Unfortuanantly, he got caught.

The headline on the newspaper the next day?

Artie Chokes Three For A Dollar at Meijer's (You kind of have to say it out loud to understand it.)

A blonde was upset that her husband was hanging out with other women. So she wrote to the "Dear Abby..." column in the newspaper. This is what ehr letter said:

Dear Abby,
My husband wanders around with so many other women that I don't even know if my baby is mine.

Now, just think about it for a second. It took me a little bit to get that one too. So don't feel stupid if you don't get it right away.

Ha ha, i get it, ha that is pretty funny!!

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Control Freak, now YOU say 'Control Freak who?"

A rabbi, a priest, and a minister were boating when the rabbi decided he was thirsty. So, he walked across the water and went to the soda machine, got his soda and came back. The priest decided he was thirsty too, so he got ut of the boat, walked across the water and got a drink at the soda machine. "Let me try." Said the minister. The minister got out of the boat and sank. The rabbi looked at the preist. He said: "Do you think we should've told him where the rocks are?"

A man was trying to teach his daughter the virtues of honesty by telling her the story of "The Boy Who Cried Wolf." His daughter listened. He told her "That's why you should always tell the truth." The little girl smiled, she said "I was eaten by a wolf once, you know."

A teacher told her schoolkids to tell which baseball team they liked best. "Who likes the Yankees?" She asked. All hands shot up but one little girl's sitting in the front row. "Why isn't your hand raised?" Asked the teacher. The little girl answered "I like the Red Sox."
"Why?" The teacher asked
"Cause my parents like the Red Sox." She answered
The teacher told her "You don't have to like everything your parents like. You're unique, you don't have to be just like them. What if your mommy and daddy were morons? What would you be then?"
"A Yankees fan."

A father heard his little boy screaming from the bathroom. He ran into the bathroom to see what the probelem was. His son had dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. "Just throw it away and we'll buy you a new one." The dad says, so he does. But, as the dad is about to leave the bathroom he notices his son drop HIS toothbrush into the garbage can too. "What did you do that for?" The dad asked.
"Sorry, daddy, you'll have to get a new toothbrush too. I dropped that one in the toilet last week."

~chik~

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is
hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man.
That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's
nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should
meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days. Flattered,
the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely! This must be a sign
from God! The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle.

My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely
God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she
hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it
and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman
takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to
the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I
think I'll just wait for the police...."

A man is on a date with a woman. He offers her a glass of wine. She refuses. "What would I tell my Sunday school class?" She said, the man didn't pressure her for anymore wine. He later offered her a cigarette. She refused "What would I tell my Sunday school class?" she says again. As he is driving her home, he sees a hotel. "Let's go in there." He suggests.
"Sure, why not?" The girl says, the man is shocked.
"What will you tell your Sunday school class?" He asks.
"Same thing I always do," she said "You don't need to smoke and drink to have a great time!"

Sorry, I know that was wrong, but, it's me so of course I need a little dirty joke in there somewhere.

~chik~

That's okay, i've heard a few others but i won't repeat them!!!! Cause i'm a sensible kid!! (yeah right!!)

I'll clean this site up with this lame joke:

Knock Knock?

Who's there?

Gorilla

Gorilla who?

Gorilla me a cheese sandwich....

lol those are funny Bubba! Here's some more 'Why Ask' things:

What did Geronimo say when he jumped out of an airplane?

Why do dogs get mad when you blow in their face but they like sticking their heads out of car windows?

If you're arresting a mime, do you tell them they have a right to remain silent?

Why do optimists live longer than pessimists?

If a tree falls on a mime, will anyone hear him scream? (No, cause he's a mime! )

Signs That You Have Grown Up

Your house plants are alive and you can't smoke any of them.

You keep more food than beer in your fridge.

Six a.m. is when you get up, not go to bed.

You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

You watch the Weather Channel.

You're the one calling the police because the &*#@%() kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

Older relatives don't mind telling you sex jokes.

You have no idea when Taco Bell closes.

Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers and pizza.

Dinner and a movie is the entire date.

A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff".

When you find out your friend is preggers, you congratulate her instead of asking "Oh, crap, are your parents gonna be mad?"

Your car insurance goes down and the car payments go up.

The car you owned in high school is considered a "classic car".



You've read this entire list, trying desperately to find one that doesn't fit you. They all do.

None of them fit me, cause i just turned 16 and iam still young (not that i find anyone here old or anything!!), but they were still funny!!!!

Pink---
If I weren't such a lady, I'd smack you upside the head for being so young. (kees, MO, nards, Bubba, Hallie,Tami, Teresa, Og, Beholder, mihoko---you should get up and stop rolling around on the floor laughing hysterically)
Anyway--I'm 57, and almost every one of those fits me.

Meme--NOT a Meme-Great yet.

How about ... the only time you pull an "all-nighter" is when your gallstones act up??

Fractured English - who knew?

There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple or pine in pineapple. And while no one knows what is in a hotdog, you can be pretty sure it isn't canine.

English muffins were not invented in England nor French fries in France.

Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, two meese? Is cheese the plural of choose? One mouse, 2 mice. One louse, 2 lice. One house, 2 hice?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Why do people recite at a play, and play at a recital? Ship by truck or car and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

How can the weather be hot as heck one day and cold as heck another? When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out and an alarm clock goes off by going on. You get in and out of a car, yet you get on and off a bus. When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it?

English is a silly language ... it doesn't know if it is coming or going!!! ________________________________________________________

^ Good one, kees! And then there's resigning if you quit and resigning if you want to stay on ...

Meme, yours is hilarious! So is Kees!

Thanks, chik
I really can't take credit for mine, because I got them in an email from another 50-something friend.
kees, on the other hand, is veeeery good at language things, so I'm pretty sure she wrote that one by herself.

Meme---
still no baby!!! Meme is going over later and run the girl up and down stairs so she'll go into labor. (Not really, but granddaughter wishes it were over with as much as the rest of us.)

...and Knights who were hoarse from battle but battled on horses at night

Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game (with their habits
partially blocking their view), were three men who decided to badger
the nuns in an effort to get them to move.
In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going
to move to Utah,

there are only 100 nuns living there".
The second guy spoke up and said, "I think I want to go to Montana,

there are only 50 nuns living there."
The third guy said, "I want to go to Idaho, there are only
25 nuns living there.

Then, one of the nuns turned around, looked at the men and,
in a sweet, calm voice said, "Why don't you go to Hell.... there aren't ANY
nuns living there!"

My bad!! ha ha!! I am so glad that you are such a lady, saves me from a smack!!

A radio station I've been listening to right now said that he found a dog in his neighborhood. And a guy called in and said "I found a dog in my neighborhood too. So I took her home and we've been married for twenty years!" hilarious.

~chik~

Lol, that's quite funny!!

A man was driving in his car really fast. Then, his car broke down. So he got out of his car and walked for miles and miles. Then, he came to a monostary. He walked in and saw a monk. (hah!....never mind.) He asked the monk if he could stay awhile. The monk said yes and let him stay. The man woke up in the middle of the night and heard drums. "What are drums doing in a monostary?" He thought. So he ran down the hall and saw a door with blue lights coming out from under it. He jiggled the handle but it wouldn't open. The next morning he asked the monk "What's in that room?"
"I can't tell you," The monk said "You're not a monk."
"Well, then I'll become a monk." Said the guy. So he traveled around the world for 15 years promoting worl peace. He came back to that same monostary. "Alright, I went around promoting world peace." He announced.
"Great." Said the monk, "I guess your a monk now."

The guy went to sleep that evening and woke up to hear drums. So he ran down the hallway and unlocked the door to the room. Know what he saw???????

I can't tell you, you're not a monk.

~chik~

A man decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he yelled to his wife: "What setting do I use for this sweatshirt?"
The wife yells back: "What does it say on the shirt?"
The husband yells:"Oklahoma State University"
And, they think wives are dumb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A couple is lying in their bed. The husband says "I'm going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The wife replies: "Awww, honey, I'll sure miss you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What do you call an intelligent, good-looking, sensitive man?
A rumor.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How do you keep your man from reading your email?
Rename your mail folders "Instruction Manuals."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Lord
I pray for the Wisdom to understand my man; the Love to forgive him; and the Patience to put up with his moods. Because, Lord, if I ask for the strength, I'll beat him to death.
Amen
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ha ha, they are great, i like them all but the "your not a Monk" is funny same as the jokes about men!!

Those were'nt jokes about men, those where "honest-to-God" facts. Just ask any woman who has ever been married.

Ya know those socks that get lost in the dryer? Well, it's really a sock conspiracy. Socks get tired of covering up smelly feet, getting dropped on the floor, tossed into a pile of dirty clothes and left there for days, being lost under the bed and dragged around by the dogs. They hate being sweaty from living in smelly sneakers and full of holes from uncut toenails so when they get the chance on laundry day one will make a dash for the door and escape.

Ya see the poor run-aways all the time, those are those lonely socks lying along side highways; forlorn, run-over by semi trucks and cars, long to be home with their mates.

In future, take better care of your socks or their mates may gang up on you.

Ah, so that's what happened? lol. I'm constantly losing my socks.
~chik~

Communication

In promulgating your esoteric cogitations, or articulating your superficial sentimentalities and amicable, philosophical or psychological observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosity. Let your conversational communications possess a clarified conciseness, a compact comprehensibility, coalescent consistency, and a concatenated cogency. Eschew all conglomerations of flatulent garrulity, jejune babblement and asinine affectations.

Let your extemporaneous descantings and unpremeditated expatiations have intelligibility and veracious vivacity, without rhodomontade or thrasonical bombast. Sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity, pompous prolixity, psittaceous vacuity, ventriloquial verbosity, and vaniloquent vapidity. Shun double-entendres, prurient jocosity, and pestiferous profanity, obscurant or apparent.

In other words, talk plainly, briefly, naturally, sensibly, truthfully, purely. Keep from slang; don't put on airs; say what you mean; mean what you say.

And DON'T USE BIG WORDS!

It's a good job i look after all of my clothing!! I think Monk must be one of the only men in the whole world that has never lost a sock!!

I'm a girl and I still always lose my socks!! lol.