[BfloGal]

By now most of us, even those who try to avoid spoilers, have learned that the upcoming episode of Monk features a woman from Zemenia. (If you didn't already know that, I guess you do now -- sorry.)

But I've been trying to find out some information about this tiny, beleaguered country, and with great difficulty. It seems they have no website, no printed literature, and no US Embassy. But -- I finally hit pay-dirt. Zemenia just got it's first telephone line (someone from Genovia ran them an extension), but it keeps cutting in and out on me, so I can only get a little bit of information at a time.

The guy I talked to at the chamber of commerce (I couldn't pronounce his name -- so I just call him Bob) gave me the following facts about Zemenia:

"Zemenia is not currently found on any map of the world. That was actually my cousin's idea -- he's the Secretary of Defense. He figured that if they can't find us, they can't attack us."

"Zemenia's main export is Caramel Corn. We sell it on the Ebay."

"Zemenia is very proud to have sent it's first athlete to the Olympics. He's in the equestrian events. We don't know if he will qualify though. You see, the jumps are kind of difficult when you are riding a yak. I don't know if you were aware of this."

And then my connection went dead...

The number is 555-CallBob, if anyone else wants to give it a whirl -- just let us know what you find out, okay?

This post has been edited by BfloGal: 17 August 2008 - 11:52 AM

[Liv]

BfloGal, on Aug 17 2008, 07:42 AM, said:

By now most of us, even those who try to avoid spoilers, have learned that the upcoming episode of Monk features a woman from Zemenia. (If you didn't already know that, I guess you do now -- sorry.)

But I've been trying to find out some information about this tiny, beleaguered country, and with great difficulty. It seems they have no website, no printed literature, and no US Embassy. But -- I finally hit pay-dirt. Zemenia just got it's first telephone line (someone from Genovia ran them an extension), but it keeps cutting in and out on me, so I can only get a little bit of information at a time.

The guy I talked to at the chamber of commerce (I couldn't pronounce his name -- so I just call him Bob) gave me the following facts about Zemenia:

"Zemenia is not currently found on any map of the world. That was actually my cousin's idea -- he's the Secretary of Defense. He figured that if they can't find us, they can't attack us."

"Zemenia's main export is Caramel Corn. We sell it on the Ebay.""Zemenia is very proud to have sent it's first athlete to the Olympics. He's in the equestrian events. We don't know if he will qualify though. You see, the jumps are kind of difficult when you are riding a yak. I don't know if you were aware of this."

And then my connection went dead...

The number is 555-CallBob, if anyone else wants to give it a whirl -- just let us know what you find out, okay?

LOL!!

He was quite excited to have actually had two phone calls in a single week when I called a little while ago. But since I was calling from my cellphone and my accent can be difficult to follow, especially when talking to someone who has an equally thick but very different accent, it's quite possible that we didn't entirely understand each other. But, if we understood each other even a little, it would seem that there is a visitor who came several years ago to Zemenia who sounded very much like me, apparently someone who is fond or white rhinestone encrusted jumpsuits, deep fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches, and very large sunglasses, and this guy has been there ever since. Or else he said that he has a mole on his arm that is the exact shape of a map of his country if you close one eye and look at it sideways. That was kind of a personal thing to be told on a phone call to the Chamber of Commerce of another country. He may have been flirting with me, but it's kind of hard to tell with the accent. If so, that has to be the strangest come on line in the history of... ever.

BfloGal, did you know they are hoping to have a spring festival next year? It seems that the plans hinge on whether or not their equestrian athlete will be back or if he'll be busy posing for the front of a Wheaties box, or if they can find some way to pull the parade float without the yak. I hope it works out for the best for them. I mean, who knows how long their Miss Zemenia can hang onto her tooth? You can't have a Miss Zemenia riding on a float if there is no yak to pull it and she can't really wave and smile for the spectator if she has no teeth. She can always pluck her unibrow, but she can't regrow a tooth.

I think I can see why he would flirt with someone who sounds like a Britney Spears chipmunk, come to think of it. For one thing, it's pretty obvious I am not related to him, and I think you can tell from talking to me on the phone that if I don't have all my own teeth, at least I have some false ones.

This post has been edited by Liv: 17 August 2008 - 11:08 AM

[BfloGal]

Okay, I can't believe it -- I just got off the phone with 'Bob' again -- twice in one day. Bob can't believe it either. Their telephone connection has never been this reliable before. They're now considering whether it might be that the yak has been nibbling on the telephone cable. It seems to have gotten better now that he's out of the country.

But anyway, he was telling me more about the spring festival. I guess that's when they are planning on unveiling their new flag. I got worried for a minute that they had a revolution or something, but he said no, not this week anyway. I guess they just got a good deal on Ebay on a factory seconds lot of French flags that had the pole fasteners on the wrong sides (the colors were in the wrong order), so they got them for half price. I guess these replace the Canadian flags that were accidentally printed with oak leaves instead of maple leaves.

He was hoping that their new national anthem would be ready by then. The guy in the white jumpsuit had apparently offered to write one for them, but they politely declined his offer. They really weren't sure what, if anything, he knew about music. So Bob's grandmother composed it on her autoharp. He sang it for me:

Zemenia is free
Zemenia is true
Zemenia, my homeland
Zemenia for you

Now when she wrote it, she was told to use a folksong in the common domain -- well who in Zemenia knew that "Happy Birthday" was still under copyright? So everytime they sing their national anthem they have to pay royalties. So they really don't sing it very often. (He told me that there is a copy on you-tube, but they don't want too many people to know about it.) They decided that if their Olympic athlete were to get a gold medal, however, they'd raise the money somehow. Meanwhile Grandma is trying to come up with a new anthem to the tune of "For he's a jolly good fellow," but with her arthritis and all, it's slow going.

He did want everyone to know that caramel corn (which they've double production of in advance of Friday night's Monk episode) is not Zemenia's only industry. They also have a thriving business in pinecone handicrafts, generic pharmaceuticals, and knockoff handbags, the latter two they sell on message boards.

Oh, and I found this fact particularly interesting. Apparently Zemenia is just as slow to accept the metric system as the US, preferring their own tradtional weights and measures. Zemenia actually uses a binary system -- which Bob says simplifies life immensely. The speed limit on Zemenia's road is either 0 or 1. Now tourist travelling through Zemenia on their way to somewhere else always seem to get this wrong. But being anxious to leave Zemenia, most pay their fine without question. So much money is raised from these fines that Zemenians pay no income, property, or sales tax.

But that's when Bob had to go -- it was his turn to put the 'closed' sign on the border crossing -- the one that says 'you are now entering and leaving Zemenia'.

I'm not sure if Bob is flirting, or just really friendly. He offered to send me a whole case of caramel corn if I sent him my address. I did, but now I'm not so sure it was the right thing to do. Oh, well, Zemenia is pretty far away, isn't it? What could happen?

[monkchik693]

Zemenia? Uh-oh, BfloGal, watch out. My 59th cousin is from Zemenia and he told me that they're having a recall on all Caramel Corn. Apparently some mice decided to build they're home in the midst of all that caramel corn.

-chik

[BfloGal]

Okay, I just got off the phone with 'Bob' -- he called me at three in the morning, outraged -- yes, outraged at how Zemenian culture was portrayed.

He was screaming about plot holes and technical inaccuracies, and has implied that Monk was the most terrible show ever. He even suggested that the writers better stay out of Zemenia, where 'dreck-writing' is a capital offense.

First, he wanted to complain about the use of the old Zemenian flag. He said that one hasn't been used since the revolution three month ago. He faulted the writers on their research. Surely they could have hired an expert who used the correct Zemenian flag. Really!

But he did want to point out that the old flag does indeed have a picture of the national yak on it in one of the panels in the upper right section.

Secondly, he complained about the portrayal of the Zemenian language, saying that the woman who played Leyla was actually speaking in Polish. He was outraged. There is a Zemenian actress they could have used, he said, and apparently she was all ready for the part -- having just obtained a new set of false teeth from one of Monk's former guest stars. But this was also an unfortunate choice, since the words "sad stick" in Polish are also words in the Zemenian language -- and are considered quite vulgar. Apparently when he heard it, the Prime Minister, Bob's second cousin, nearly choked on his yak, and his wife swooned into her soup.

Thirdly, he complained about the portrayal of the Zemenian chef and his tossing the food into his hat. He wanted me to relay the gross inaccuracies of this. THERE ARE NO REAL ZEMENIAN RECIPES THAT INCLUDE THE USE OF A HAT. He practically screamed it at me. This gross departure from reality really took him out of the story line, apparently. Now if he had used a shoe, that would have been something different...

Fourthly (yes, he was on a rant by now) the real "butcher of Zemenia" is actually a title used by a mild-mannered meat seller on you-tube. He is a great humanitarian, Bob said, who spends his free time making videos to teach people the dying art of yak-butchering and cooking. His fans number in the dozens, and they are totally outraged. He told me to expect the ratings of Monk to dip in consequence.

Finally, he wanted to complain about the portrayal of Zemenia as a war-like country where people are clamoring to leave. No one has survived an attempt to leave Zemenia for years, he said. He screamed at how unacceptable this portrayal was, and shouted about how loving and carefree the Zemenians really are, just before he told me that, because of the episode, a state of war now exists between San Francisco and Zemenia. I asked him if he meant the United States -- and he said no -- that the US was just too big. He faxed me a copy of the declaration of war, and it said Zemenia had declared war on "Frisco." I reminded him that SF residents don't like that nickname, and he just laughed and said, "Strike One."

[dxdy]

Zemenia is FAKE country and in Monk series is used flag of Republic Croatia

Monk episode:



Real Croatian flag

This post has been edited by dxdy: 25 January 2009 - 06:53 AM